she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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