Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
