those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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