I think my fart just growled at me.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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