yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
