My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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