I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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