I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
