I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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