The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
