He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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