I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
