You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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