Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this just has baby written all over it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
