$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
