Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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