I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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