So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
