Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
