I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
