After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
