She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
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No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just wanna be euthanized