to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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