i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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