Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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