you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found puke in my bra..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
