I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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