Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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