My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Girls should come with a carfax report
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Randomize
