He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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