I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
