ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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