P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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