This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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