Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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