im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i out mim tonsoeep
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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