Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
