So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
