I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
