A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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