you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
