We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
