; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
