Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
