we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
