Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
