If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
