tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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