You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
