Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
