He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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