Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
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Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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