Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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