I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish you could order shots online.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
