his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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