Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
