Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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