I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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