Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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